The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
