i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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