I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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