Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
