I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
