I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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