My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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