Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
