Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
