All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
