Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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