I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
