my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
don't judge my taste in strippers
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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