Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
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