the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I need water and some morals
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
