I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
