man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
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He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
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I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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