He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Randomize
