Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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