I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
