did you get engaged???
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
