An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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