Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
