I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
