My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
