he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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