Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
