if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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