I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
