turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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