I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
