I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
When are your genitals available?
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
