So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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