remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize