Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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