My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
