i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
