yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
