I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
