the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
