u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
