Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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