And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
