I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I will pee on everything he values.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
