the condom got lost in my hair
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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