Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
