I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
