I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
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so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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