my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
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you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
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Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.