I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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