Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Randomize
